Tuesday, April 12, 2005
today after IT was science. classroom feeling empty. especially me that area. infront me no one. two sides beside me no one. behind me no one. feel as if im isolated. i got SARS. im isolated from all of them. lols. something went wrong with nicholas today. he ran around the school to borrow a 'dunno what' from the TA to find out that ms lim did not need that. lols. laughing like hell siah. then went for recess. quite early yeah. i think so. then it was english. hmm, got back our english common test scripts and i realised i was so lucky. and althea said i was cool cos i missed out 1 point and could still get 21. lols. i wonder if i didn't leave out that point, how much would i get. hahas. hmm. during english, nicholas went missing. and the class said that he went 'chinese dance SYF' lols. funny. but childish. hahax. then althea sat beside me to ask me the maths killer. after that was geography. nice lesson we had. funny. mrs lim also a little crazy today. bingcheng had to sweep the whole level. hahas. then later there were 'grasshoppers' in the back row. lols. mrs lim is very into BGR by the way. then it was maths. we did extra practice for the coming maths common test cos half the class was away for their SYFs. lols. hmm. dismissed. then er, went to put bags at library. then went for lunch. hm. saw joshua. and heard him saying he burnt his hand. haix. so careless. so ke lian. this few days always see him with teachers, don't know he offend them or what. haix. anyway, that doesn't bother me. lols. but just felt that yesterday and today keep seeing him. sianx. lols. then me bought nasi lemak. 80cents. i no money. then gave $10 note. then she returned $9.20 change. then i was holding onto the 20cents with the notes. then later the 20cents slipped away and hit my shoe. wanted to take it but then it rolled and rolled and rolled until the tables at the drinks stall there that side. then i was like !@*$%*(@%$ then lazy to go get it lahx. no big deal. 20 cents only. why be so pathetic. running over the canteen just for a 20cents coin and leaving your nasi lemak which cost 80cents on the stall. yet, when i tell this to some people, their comments were - rich mahx. so don't care the money. ... haix. im not in that so pathetic state lahs. hahaz. then later went library. hmm.. read the almanac for kids or something like that. then the 8-) stands for wearing glasses. but if we use it for MSN, it is nerd. lols. then :-* or something like that was a kiss. lols. then later went for cca. then saw the other cca peeps on the stairs so walk with them. wah laox. the sec 1 go say the word sex so loud lorx. anyway, she very irritating lohs. i think offend alot people liaox. then cca that junior go say the seniors girlfriend boyfriend. then that girl sit with nicholas, she go say oooh. wah laox. she very extra larh. then later she very ... lohs. she go ask me how is your boyfriend/lover? wah laox. i was like !@%$@*&! damn it lohx. irritating. why must ask this kinda questions to make me angry. haix. later we were supposed to do storyboard, but we practically slacked. secondary 4s never do at all lohx. then later they say must do finish then can leave. then i anyhow draw. then i don't know the storyline. then the senior say accident? then i just anyhow agreed. can go off can liaox. hahax. then go back home le. hmm.
someone damn lucky wors. gonna get handphone siah. lols. as long as below $100 is free hors. so fortunate not like other people. lols. that person recently got 2 SHE CDs, acer computer set. rich hors. like $2000+ liaox. parents still buy phone for her. who more fortunate than that person. lols. no one in our class bah.. agree? not like me hors. get 3 year old LKK phone. become antique le mah? then the SIM card also me money lehx. i gonna broke liaox. lols. that person the parents so teng her. spoilt her le lahx. cannot so good. cannot everything she wants also give her. but nevermind lahx. almost 90% of the parents in singapore dote on their children alot. want what give what. rich rich de. then everything also show off. haix. they SPOILT liaos lah. they won't know how to be independent lex. then anything happen, tell parents. see how fortunate those kids are? understand what i mean? but i won't ever get to understand the meaning of family harmony. cos my parents always scold here scold there. nag nag nag. everything i want they also won't give me. now, i don't even dare to tell them the things i want. i just think, if im able to get it by my own. i ownself get it ler. don't even bother about my parents. i tell them and they scold me say must focus on studies. everytime say this niax. sianx diaox. i rather not have a phone now. i rather just leave it be. i rather not use it. i rather dunk it in the bin. i rather throw it in the sea. my mother certainly doesn't know the meaning of privacy. cant i just have a little freedom? 1% ? cannot! haiz. that's what my parents are. pa/ma, i want the newest, latest PDA, 3G phone, i want go watch movie. OK! no problem. that's what 90% of the other parents are like. im so unfortunate to have a family like that. haix. a few days ago, i just said about my father. now, it's better. but it's my mother now, she opened up my drawer and took out all my money. then when i went into my room, she quickly put back. haix. is that considered STEAL? haix. then later i call her get out she go take my handphone. ta ma de. cb lah. i don't even have privacy at all. i rather slammed it on the floor just now. let it spoil rather than let her invade my privacy. life's so hard. life's so difficult. why should i carry on? my friends commented that i was clever to get 19th in level last year. but my parents. why? mother - er.. ok. father - hmm. can improve right? haix. as if im gifted, sure can 100marks everything. haix. and i even need to hint my mother so many times until she said 'oh clever' the way she says it. it seemed so fake. it's just from her mouth, but not from her heart. people have tuition or other courses. cheapest tuition per month maybe $50 per subject bah. i don't even spend at that. then people can have things they want, go cinema or anywhere. haix. i wan watch movie also cannot. EXPENSIVE. it's my money im spending. it's not theirs. why would i even want to spend their bloody filthy money too. i rather starve to death or waste that $80 per month. primary school days were just way much easier. not much use of computer. no stress. no competition. haix. sometimes, i feel so bad. what's the big deal about being clever? so what if im clever? well, im clever and most people are like whoa. i rather be average. and be able to get all those things. CAMERA PHONES, MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS, EXTRA COURSES, CDs, VCDs, DVDs, MP3s. whatever. the things you want you get it. it's not like this for me. the things i want will go outdated and i still haven't get it. in fact, i don't even have a chance to touch the things i want. sometimes, im just so jealous when people have camera phones, or new stuffs, stuffs like that. even privacy would make me jealous. i don't even have these. life's just so hard. all the things i want, i can't have them. even my brother is way better than me, $200 budget for his phone. and his bills are paid by my mother. im just so pathetic. he FAILS his exams and my mother went to meet his principal like 2 or 3 times. but my mother never scolded him before, im always the one who is scolded. the one who is blamed for everything. computer spoil also blame me. haix. i thought many people would say that the younger ones always say sweet things and the older ones get punished. for me, it's all opposite. maybe to you guys, home is the best place to be. but to me, i rather be straying outside. understanding the pains of the world outside. rather than to get tortured at home. school is the best place for me. or at least, i rather go to the library where there is a conducive environment. and that's why. i don't like to be home early. i rather go other places. haix. home is just not a suitable place for me. it's a place where all my problems arise. a place where i have lots of difficulties to cope with living. a place where i do not have privacy. a place where i don't even feel comfortable at all. haix. don't feel like blogging anymore. cos the more i say, the more terrible i feel. and i already crying right now. crying just because of home. home is a place which makes me cry. that's my definition of home. i don't know if any of you guys have homes like this too. anyway, i really don't wanna say anymore. i just had enough of it. i feel so terrible. so sad. so depressed. i just can't control my tears anymore. if only there was someone who i could confide true feelings to... HOME is TORTURE
i failed once again @ 7:37:00 pm
