Sunday, April 30, 2006
YAY! i`ve completed theme one for my geography notebook.
3 more themes to go. 5 more chapters next.
and i guess shouldn`t be too much of a problem.
except natural vegetation and the climate thing.
the others are rather easy and straightforward, i guess.
after that, i need to do for history and social studies too.
i really want an A1 for combined humanities, okay?
mad over it. obsession. HAHA!
and.. i don`t want lianglu as CM next year.
but highly likely he might be.
cos the CM most followed from secondary 3 to 4.
HOW? i can`t imagine 3 years of him.
and LOL! absorbing intelligence from teachers.
so funny idea. and someone`s so jealous of me.
yes. i think i`ve absorbed from ms liao already.
next, i`m targetting some english teachers.
but don`t know who to. though there`re some suggestions.
eg singh, audrey tham, gerald.
first.. singh seems to be quite good.
but never attend his english lesson before.
except the remedial one. and i can`t get close enough to him to absorb the intelligence.
then audrey tham. i doubt she even knows me right.
don`t even know how she`s like. not even taught or spoken to her before.
and lastly g. i don`t know. somehow i keep thinking his english ain`t superb.
but at least quite good lah. but i absorb also no use.
his vocabulary is power. all very profound ones.
then everytime his lesson i have to keep wondering what that word means.
listening to JJ caocao`s while redo-ing my geography notebook.
and it`s so sad news.
2 papers down, english paper 1 and 2.
then it`s like another 12 more to go, counting CME.
plus oral, it would be 13. but no idea when`s oral.
OMG! i seriously want it to pass fast.
these days.. who isn`t cramming?
and after MYE.
it`s problems with meet-the-parents session.
if we`ve got CM like G or liao or kokila, i wouldn`t worry too much.
but because it`s lianglu. and i`m so afraid.
i mean like.. even me, this kinda quiet people in class.
and belong to the 'guai-er' types.
but last year he can still say so many bad things about me.
and still make other parents cry.
like seriously, how evil can he get?
i really dread it lah. you know the feeling..
of being locked out. then the 2 people inside staffroom talking.
and i was pacing up and down the corridor outside staffroom.
trying to spot any interesting things.
then it was like so damn boring i decided to sit at the bench.
and lianglu told my mother like way too much?
then another thing is.. my mother.
i don`t know who else has this problem too.
for me, it`s like i already don`t talk to my father.
and i really can`t stand my mother.
it`s like.. she expects so high of me.
she wants me to get so high grades.. so she can compare with others.
it`s more like a status symbol for her than an academic ability for me.
but, this i don`t really care. afterall, it`s years she`s been doing that.
the problem is.. i don`t have a conducive environment.
the immediate moment she`s back, she shouts and screams at me.
i show her my test papers.. she goes tsktsk.
yeah, i don`t know. she doesn`t care. she doesn`t understand.
i tried staying so late to study. but she makes fun of me.
i tried going out to study. but she says i`m dating.
WHY? no matter how hard i try, she doesn`t see it.
all she does is to sign and say tsktsk.
then that time she accused me of not showing her examination timetable.
so i immediately showed it to her when i received it.
she looked thru a while and returned to me.
and what? like 3 minutes later, she asked me when does my examination start?
she doesn`t even care. no matter what. she doesn`t even reflect.
i sometimes feel bad for shouting at her. but.. i really want her to reflect.
just now i shouted at her again. but she still don`t know why i`m so fed up.
everything.. it`s all my fault. computer spoil. internet spoil. electricity bills rise.
and it`s like she always picks on me, on purpose.
she already knows i`m studying. then my father staring into space and my brother reading newspapers.
and she purposely pick me to do things. it`s like they`re so free lah.
i`ve just got enough of this.
she expects very high of me.
i don`t wanna let her down.
but i don`t have a conducive environment.
the only reason why i don`t wanna go home early anymore.
i rather stay at school. school`s more like home to me.
i can do anything i like. i don`t have to be ordered by anyone.
i`m given time frame to do a task.
i`m not disturbed by anyone.
at home, everything i do, she complains.
every now and then, she makes me do this and that.
she orders me to complete something within 5 minutes.
she shouts and talks so loud and tv volume so loud.
it`s like she`s in the room, i`m in the living room.
the furthest distance in this house already.
but i can listen very clearly to what she`s talking.
and at school, i got any problem, i can just ask.
at home, who is there to ask?
and at school, the teachers encourage me.
at home, who does?
who wished me luck for anything before?
who got delighted for my results before?
and at school, the teachers lend a listening ear.
at home, who has an extra ear?
my father whose ear is always shut out.
my mother whose ear is for tv serials and relatives.
my brother who laughs at me studying so hard.
it`s all like a broken window.
a scar left behind.
it can be fixed. but the cracks are still there.
and they will always be.
i no longer hope for this family.
the more i try to savage the situation, the more problems i give myself.
no one cares anymore.
i shouldn`t even be bothered.
i failed once again @ 1:19:00 pm
