Tuesday, March 20, 2007
haix. im feeling so troubled now.
i dont understand chemistry lesson today.
but the whole point is not just about not understanding, its that i cant hear ms lim teaching at all. and its not like i dont wanna tell her. she'll just go "buy me a mic then" or "who call you choose to sit at the back?" i really tried to listen in her lessons but i hear nothing. even when writing on the board, she writes so small and blames us for sitting at the back and complaining about not being able to see it properly. like what can i do about her? she's just my teacher. and especially when mine is a window seat, i hear people running, people from other classes running and other teachers shouting instead of hearing her teaching.
HAI.
after friday, i regained abit of confidence in my chemistry. but its just not like last year anymore. im not expecting A1s anymore. i would be just so happy with getting B3s, while i was struggling so hard to get an A1 for examinations last year. everything is different. i no longer devote so much time on that subject anymore. its not because im busy or have no time, but its just that i've lost the passion. chemistry no longer interests me. and its not that i hate it because i cant get the facts right. rather, its because im forced to memorise chunks of answers which i dont understand.
i still dont know what i did today was right. running up to tell ms liao that i couldnt understand chemistry. it seemed so selfish of me. calling her "ms liao" sounds alien to me now. she's so good to me, she's expecting that A1 from me, but i really dont know. im not so certain about the A1. i only know that i wanna understand and not memorise.
tried to find ms lim after school today. but its just that i couldnt find her. i think she is warning us. she obviously knows that we are laughing at her and not asking each other about chemistry. i really dont know. its so difficult.
the easiest solution is to escape. i can just drop chemistry so that i wont have all these problems that keeps surfacing one after another has been solved. but i cant do that, i wont be able to face her. she has really helped me so much.
at the most, i'll just ask for deadline extension for the current worksheet and go find ms liao on either thursday or friday. im already desperate. just THAT desperate. while i was struggling for A1 for examinations last year, im struggling to just understand chemistry now. she told me to read the textbook before finding her, but its like the textbook is wrong at that part. what a coincidence! but am i supposed to do that? its like im finding ms liao because i do not understand ms lim's lessons, or rather i cant hear. whatever but it sounds kinda wrong.
im just soooooooo troubled over all these stupid matters. sleeping seems to be the only way to forget them all temporarily. and that is the cause of me lagging behind in lessons.
i failed once again @ 7:09:00 pm
