Friday, April 27, 2007
to me, TRUST is an extremely strong word.
it really takes a really big issue to destroy my trust for anyone.
even people who i have just met, i do have trust in them.
except that its the minimal level of trust.
over time, the trust gets stronger as i understand them more.
in primary school, this guy betrayed the whole group of us because he was very unhappy that he was caught for something trivial compared to what we did but we werent caught. but i still had the trust in him. for what he did, was just of criticising people in class and making fun of them sexually. the group of them were doing it secretly in lessons and only they knew. i didnt know if they did write anything bad about me but i had the trust in them. i believed that this guy reported us to the principal and teachers only because he wanted us to change for the better. we had broke the law and as a friend, all he can do to help us is only to report us. i trusted he did not just want to sabotage us. he was the one who made the group of us wake up, just in time for PSLE. im really really a changed person now. i no longer dirty the classroom on purpose, throw staples at teachers, say vulgar words loudly in class, make fun of others or "fight". i was really this kind of student in primary school. now, im not and i will never be like that again.
i TRUSTED that people who i know but were not allowed access to this blog wont break in. i never suspected that anyone will be hacking into my private blog. that was the only reason why i could happily post really personal things here. i didnt even know that there were such comments on my tagboard only until someone worthy of my trust brought it to my attention like the immediate moment she saw it. even then, i didnt start guessing wildly who it was until i came to see the nonsense. you people, who broke into my blog, had severely destroyed the trust i had in you.
dont even mention that i destroyed the trust you had in me at all. you broke the trust before i did! what rights have you to say that? even my family, even really close friends, even teachers, even strangers give me the privacy i deserve. you know what's the meaning of personal life? the Only One who knew everything about me is God. are you trying to be God? even people who i talk to frequently or occassionally but im not super close with didnt have access to this blog because it was really personal. yet people who i dont talk to often break in. who spoilt that trust first? why was the password just my name? why wasnt it something difficult to think of? i have a simple life, and i trust people not to break in here to find out about my personal stuffs. yet they chose to. TRUST is really a strong word, i hate to say that people had destroyed the trust i once had in them or people are not worthy of my trust. if people whom i have just met deserve my trust, why do people i have know for quite some time not deserve my trust?
no one lives in the ideal world. i was just naive and innocent! i was dumb and stupid. im not yet mature enough to understand the world. we study about the ideal world situation, hoping one day we attain that stage. i know now its impossible. we are all living in the harsh reality of the real world. in the ideal world, no one would have broke in here. in the real world however, there are irritating people who break in here and accuse me of being a backstabber because i chose to release my dislike of 1 person on this private blog where no one else knew i was referring to. was it wrong of me to release some negative feelings somewhere private? you mean i should do it publicly for the whole world to know? in the ideal world, only i knew i was releasing my feelings in such a manner. in the real world however, others got to discover my way to release unhappiness.
no matter how much you think i disliked you, i didnt hate you. there's a thin line of difference between those 2 words, or rather feelings. i still give you the trust you deserve. i only gave you minimal level of respect. now, its changed.
since the start of this year, i have been telling myself to hear no evil. telling myself not to take things to heart when people compared ms lim and ms liao. i still had respect for ms lim, she didnt do anything to not deserve that respect. but slowly, i showed lesser respect to her because of the way she treated me. you people call me hypocrite, backstabber and whatever... but the most insulting words still came from her. it was only because she loudly said NO I CANT when i requested for her to speak louder, gave me a rude stare and say I SAID ITS THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT when i couldnt hear her and she told me to go for a hearing check when she was the one with the throat problem that i showed lesser respect to her. i only find ms liao because im more comfortable with her and at least she doesnt treat me like some piece of shit. even though i couldnt understand, she thought of so much ways to try to make me understand. she spent hours and hours turning my C5 into A1 but i still failed to meet her expectations of me. yet, she didnt give up on me. neither did she give up on the class at all. we all knew she had to go other schools for O levels invigilations last year. when our end of year exams results were out, she didnt even scold us. she kept everything to herself. even though we were promoted to secondary 4, she still stayed for hours in the afternoon to conduct remedials for 3 different groups of people without enough rest. she didnt have to do all these. because of all these she had done for me and others, i really appreciated her. even after failing many times, she never gives up on anyone. she could even sacrifice her saturday to go outside to tutor students without any charge. although she was new and inexperienced, she does all that she can to help the students, some of whom dont even appreciate her kindness. and for people who thinks im saying good things for her just because she helps me so much that i got an A for chemistry, who said she was only for my use? she does help other students too. i only treat her the way i am treating her because she totally deserves it. someone who is so determined despite people disappointing her time and again. i really have to give it to her. i dont even have half her patience. on the first day of school this year, she was the one who really turned my day into an extremely wonderful one even though i had wanted to cry at first. she didnt have to know i was sad, but what she did for me was enough to make me happy. of course i was bothered when people compared the 2 of them, but i didnt take it to heart until i realise sometimes, people just cant stop. i slept through her lessons in term 1 but when i requested for the notes, she gave me, though not all and though she only gave me after secondary 3 mid year. if she didnt have this kind of patience, i would have been failing like others too.
i knew that during june holidays last year. a group of people said how sad i would be when someone mentioned she's not teaching anymore. but she just was not teaching 3/4 and was still taking our class. i dont know why people talked about these kinda things too. it sends me thinking, am i really overprotective of her status as a good teacher? no, i wasnt. ms lim may be experienced, but the way she teaches doesnt allow me to learn or understand the concepts. a teacher who can teach well but not be heard is as good as nothing. sitting in her lessons, sometimes, its just a waste of my time because i cant even make out her sentences.
i dont understand why people like to compare them. we dont need a so called good teacher, however you define one, to get A1. its not like good teachers have a hundred A1 to give to students while a lousy teacher only has one A1 to give to students. they are all equally qualified to teach. compare compare compare... that's what aunties always do, we shouldnt get influenced.
as students, we should just focus on studying!
what goes round comes round. you spoilt my trust for you first, so you intruded into the territory of my heart, and found out dont know what thing, and concluded i have destroyed the trust you had for me. i dont know who tagged that, but i do know who i was referring to in the past post. i didnt know that having negative feelings for someone else and releasing it on my PRIVATE blog to make myself feel the negative things are put away is considered backstabbing.
i have trust for people. dont force me to do the extremes.
on another note, thanks bcouz(? dont know what's this person doing at my blog but well... i know who it is -.-), xc, peifang, jun. throughout the times, we are still friends, still worthy of my trust, still worthy of my respect, still the closer friends who gave me the wonderful memories.
and guess what? early this morning, mdm quek came up to tell me i scored highest for physics common test! im so happy. haha, she asked if i have tuition now... another teacher expecting an A1 from me at O levels. so far, the 3rd teacher to say that to me personally. i had once unintentionally attempted to spoil the trust and respect mdm quek have for me, but she didnt care. if only everything was as simple as that...... if only everyone could live life the way she sees it... yay! i done justice to myself for physics again, i only wanna do to the best of myself, as long as i get an A for physics, it can make me go over the moon. HAHA! xP
i failed once again @ 6:42:00 pm
