Saturday, August 25, 2007
bored studying.
giving up on CH. fail then just fail, must STRATEGIZE already. no point getting 2 Ds for both humanities anyway.
jc OR poly.
i prefer poly route, but it's like really hard to get into local University even though it's 15% of the cohort.
i feel jc is too demanding for me.
when i told my mother about pjc open house, she asked me if i going.
when i told her about njc open house, she said "go so good school for what? also fail."
HAI.
if i go poly, i most probably have to work part-time while managing my studies to cover for my expenses.
if i go jc, i can concentrate fully on studying.
but my interest lies in that poly course...
and i have already been offered a place.
should i just continue with it OR withdraw from it?
i don't know.
if i give up that poly course now, it'll only be worth it to go to a good jc -- probably like acjc or ajc or better ones. but like what my mother said, she kinda doesn't give me full support if i go there. she rather i go pjc or jjc... which is not worth it for me to give up my place for that course!
i have only until 5th october to decide everything.
i do want to go to a local university after graduating from pre-u institution.
my mother do support me going poly. but that's because she's not educated. she doesnt understand the education system in singapore.
my father has nothing to say at all... either its jc or poly. but i understand that he wants me to do well, then its fine.
so far, 4 teachers know that i wanna go poly. out of those four, two of them are like trying to discourage me from going. then 1 of them, though didn't say much, kinda doesnt like that idea. the other one, is kinda like neutral because he/she believes that its the students' future ultimately. right now, none of them knows that i've already been offered a place.
im still deciding...
but i'll still do my best for prelims.
i failed once again @ 2:46:00 pm
Monday, June 04, 2007
miss lim once told me "why must it be my fault? can't it be your fault too? people always go to the extent of blaming others, but they never see anything wrong with themselves."
what she said is true, maybe i'll remember it for life. but sometimes, it's too late when people realise their fault. to me, it's okay. at least you realise it. next time, just realise it earlier. however, the sad thing is, some people never ever realise it.
this is perhaps the most meaningful thing she has ever said, or at least for the moment, cos i can't think of anything else.
"sarchasm" is so not funny! i don't like his jokes. a tiny bit is fine with me, but it's an over-dosage of lame jokes now, which is getting on my nerves. i find it rather irritating, to the extent i don't pay attention to him. i know i'm playing during his lessons, but it's not my wish to see a comedian instead of a teacher. too lame is no good.
i'm going crazy in class. laughing for no apparent reasons. i'm self-entertaining myself. maybe laughing is my way of escaping everything. i may be seen laughing non-stop in class, but it doesn't equate to me loving the class as a whole.
i failed once again @ 3:27:00 pm
Thursday, May 17, 2007
lalalalalalalalalalalalalala~~~
what can i say? i'm just super happy for chemistry. it's my first. HAHA! xDDDDD my day rocked.
now, she has nothing to say about me talking in her lesson. for that, i was talking throughout the entire lesson today!
supposing that i didn't fail economics, but probably cannot match up to last year's standards.
happy once again to say that it's the first exam i didn't fail any subject! worst i think was CH... at least got pass. so im happy!
but on the other hand, its bad. my number of As have dropped.
but at least i managed to destroy part of the evidence of slacking.
i failed once again @ 8:29:00 pm
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
what the fuck lor!
i sat at the place where i sat is because i had no other choice. Damn it! i know it was free-seating. but 1st day of school, the class was moving in a super messy manner that terrence called us back. i was 1 of those few who had hearing sensitive enough to hear her lah. the others all scrambled to class to find fengshui seat already. by the time i got to class, there were no more totally unoccupied seats. each 2 tables connected had at least 1 people. and i know how people are like lah.. they'll probably tell me "this place is reserved for blahblahblah". you think im a stupid idiot who chose to sit there even though i am aware there are really tall guys in front of me? what great choices i had right... there were only 5 or 6 people who listened to terrence lor!
you are not the first person to talk about where i sit... many others have asked me why i chose such a seat already. and my answer is standard. typical singaporeans being kanchiong. the world is never fair to anyone okay... the fairest thing is 24h per day.
and what the hell lah.
i already told that teacher many times i cant hear her. i verbally told her right in front of the class and also one-to-one but both times, it didnt work out. yes, my brother had hearing problems since young but doesnt mean i have right. bloody hell! if i have hearing problems, i would be telling g to speak louder even though he's already so damn loud! idiots! maybe next time i shall tell him to speak louder so that the whole class can go deaf except me. if that teacher can tell me to sponsor her a mic because i suggested her using a mic, then since she suggested i go for hearing test, pay for it lah!
at least our maths teacher knows she has throat problem and doesnt let it affect the class because she chose to use a mic.
dont know why people dont like to use their real names. try writing "the reality" next to the blank space beside "Name" on your exam script. LOL! there's plenty of chances to do it now, do to your hearts' content. xD
people did things behind my back by breaking into my personal blog... yet claim to have done nothing. -.- heard of the phrase what goes around comes around? because this was where i let out my feelings, i kept it personal so not to affect anything. this person broke into my blog, so that person found out im a BACKSTABBER, like some great discovery WOW! if i didnt blog, i wonder if you were just going to pry open my brain and look at my personal thoughts... imagine if i loved someone and did some stuffs with that person and i was very happy that i posted it on my personal blog to serve as memory, then uninvited people read. there was a reason why i password-protected my blog. putting a simple password is another different reason because i trusted people not to break in.
so what if the tags are history? we are all doing history elective what? like DUH! why do we have to learn things of the past?? to learn from their mistakes lor... which i think no longer exists, but we still learn. maybe that's why i fail history lah, i have no interest in such things at all.
"cowards attract cowards" is a wrong statement. in many many cases in the real world, things which are alike repel. that's why there is population growth. however, think in another way, there are gay marriages too.. but not popular.
no one said i was mature. you were right to say im immature anyway. i havent even stepped into the corporate world or gone anywhere near there.. its only when you step into the real world and get exposed to all sorts of things, then you slowly mature. people say guys mature after NS, i havent heard about girls, perhaps they dont even mature... and our english teacher also said that JC1 students mature suddenly during the holidays, so it's perfectly normal than im immature now...
LOL! its my relationship with a teacher, why do uninvited people have to care? not like you can help solve my problem lor~~~ still care so much. why waste your time on this fucking rotting blog?
hmm.. i do speak out in class lor. or what do you mean by class? during lessons time or during class discussions? its obvious why i dont speak out during class discussions what. cos i find them boring and i already stated that i regret coming to this class. as far as my memory serves me, i remember myself voicing out any questions i had in class.. or at least in the beginning of the year, before i got that unnecessary rude stare coupled with an irritated tone of voice. plus, its not like i have a million questions to ask, thats why i dont speak out that often lor.
aiya. conflicts among countries. 1 of the reasons is difference in beliefs...
i failed once again @ 8:02:00 pm
Monday, April 30, 2007
why cant that person treat me as a human being? or treat me like how she treats everyone else? or give me some level of respect? i just dont understand. every single chance she gets, she has to spoil my day.
1st - incident of her saying NO I CANT loudly when i requested her to speak louder.
2nd - shooting me a rude stare & answering me in an irritated tone I SAID ITS THE LAST QUESTION ALREADY!
3rd - telling me to go for a hearing check.
4th - telling me to go out of class if i wanna continue talking.
what kind of teacher would refuse to speak louder when students cant hear? at least she could have added things like "next time i bring mic." does it hurt to say that? perhaps she's saving some saliva on me.
then, what's with the rude stare and irritated tone? i raised my hand so long and you didnt see. by the time you told me which question it was, you only added a few more sentences and you asked the class "understand?" i didnt even dare raise my hand anymore even though i dont understand. for i know, you would scold me even more, perhaps to your heart's content. knowing that i was lost in the lesson, you didnt even bother to ask check my understanding.
the 3rd incident i really dont wanna talk about it. thanks for your extremely insulting comments. i requested you to use a mic because i knew you had a throat problem after you said it. i was aware of it and didnt want it to get worse but you told me to get you a mic or go for a hearing test.
yes it was my fault for talking non-stop. but what? just cause i was the one talking, it made you so bloody pissed off you had to say "get out of the class if you wanna continue!" you have not said that to anyone before, even in 4/3. know what? if you werent even using the mic today, there was a possibility i would have just gone out of class. at least then, i will be nearer to you and hear you speak. if you nicely told me to keep quiet and not scold me and shout at me to get out of the class to continue my conversation, i would have just kept quiet and paid attention. but because you didnt, i continued talking and lost interest in your lesson that i started doing other stuffs. and it was really time well spent clearing off quite a pile of work.
you think my hobby is raising my hand in class to ask you stupid questions to interrupt your lesson? i have better things to do okay. you are my teacher, i had respect for you, i wanted to pay attention in your lesson. that's the only reason why i bothered finding out where you were at. but now, its just a thing of the past. i cant wait for the day i can change the 'are' to 'were'.
realise i no longer raise my hand during your lessons. in fact, i rarely do it in any lesson since that rude stare. if i have any questions, i'll wait till after lessons to ask mr G. maybe i was unconsciously afraid of other teachers treating me the way you did...
the reason why im even spending time on my own to study chemistry even though i have seriously been demoralised and no longer have the will to study is because of the other teacher who have helped me so much that i cant afford to disappoint her. i once aspired to take H3 chemistry. now, i only want either Chemical Engineering or Chemical Process Technology (Industrial Option). i just hope you wont make me lose all interest in chemistry.
i wasnt even looking at you in the eye when you scolded me because after all those incidents, i now have minimal level of respect for you. and also, i heard it as 'Qing Wei' and not Jing Wei.
im so happy there's no more chemistry lesson till after exams! which means a break from her for 2 complete weeks! that's seriously the best thing now... no more hell from her.
i just dont understand why she has to treat me like a piece of shit crap that's not worthy of being her student. why does she have to use every chance possible to get at me? i feel like its suffering hell sometimes, on extremely bad days.
and for all the shit she has given me, i sincerely hope and pray that there will be banding for chemistry after mid year and i wont be in her group. its just so so so bad! but i know that many people in the class like her and wants her to teach us, [if she isnt so bad and mean to me i would be fine with her teaching me too] and they'll do their best for chemistry mid year so that if there is banding, she can appeal to the principal to keep us out of it on account of our promising results.Labels: what makes me so different?
i failed once again @ 7:17:00 pm
Saturday, April 28, 2007
to facilitate entrance into what used to be my damn personal blog, i have decided to remove the password.
irritating people... breaking into my blog.
trying to hack into my blog is equals to doing something behind my back lah, still dare say i say bad things behind others back.
i have already mentioned that the REAL people who were allowed access here have totally no idea who i was accused to have been backstabbing. its only until people in the class started breaking in, they knew what happened in class, so they knew who i was referring to. then someone started accusing me of backstabbing. if that's your definition of backstab, let it be. this blog was where i released really personal thoughts... where few or no people understand everything. i didnt backstab you, however, if you want, come up to me and call me a backstabber all you want. its your mouth!
and for the person who claimed to have respect for me till i destroyed it myself, i conclude that your words arent exactly true. if you had respect for me, why the hell would you not respect my privacy? i didnt force you to have respect for me, you just wanted to have it... how true can your words be? remember, action always speak louder than WORDS.
and to any others who happened to read and now have a bad impression of me.. let it be, its your feelings. i didnt do anything to you to affect it anyway. rather, its more like YOU PEOPLE broke into my world.
after people who were not invited here came, and because i dont know who they are as they didnt have a proper name on the tagboard, i really dont know who to trust and who not to trust anymore. so since i cant trust as many people as before, i opened up this really personal blog to let people intrude into my personal world.
the hurt has already been done. what cure is there?
uninvited people have read my really personal and deep thoughts.
more people reading my personal stuffs makes no difference anymore.
for me, password no longer makes a difference. the reason why is obvious.
1 final thing:
IF I DIDNT RELEASE MY NEGATIVE FEELINGS ON THIS PERSONAL AND PRIVATE BLOG, I WOULDNT HAVE DISCOVERED THE TRUTH THAT UNINVITED PEOPLE ARE READING IT, RIGHT?
i have no guilty conscience.
i failed once again @ 1:27:00 pm
Friday, April 27, 2007
to me, TRUST is an extremely strong word.
it really takes a really big issue to destroy my trust for anyone.
even people who i have just met, i do have trust in them.
except that its the minimal level of trust.
over time, the trust gets stronger as i understand them more.
in primary school, this guy betrayed the whole group of us because he was very unhappy that he was caught for something trivial compared to what we did but we werent caught. but i still had the trust in him. for what he did, was just of criticising people in class and making fun of them sexually. the group of them were doing it secretly in lessons and only they knew. i didnt know if they did write anything bad about me but i had the trust in them. i believed that this guy reported us to the principal and teachers only because he wanted us to change for the better. we had broke the law and as a friend, all he can do to help us is only to report us. i trusted he did not just want to sabotage us. he was the one who made the group of us wake up, just in time for PSLE. im really really a changed person now. i no longer dirty the classroom on purpose, throw staples at teachers, say vulgar words loudly in class, make fun of others or "fight". i was really this kind of student in primary school. now, im not and i will never be like that again.
i TRUSTED that people who i know but were not allowed access to this blog wont break in. i never suspected that anyone will be hacking into my private blog. that was the only reason why i could happily post really personal things here. i didnt even know that there were such comments on my tagboard only until someone worthy of my trust brought it to my attention like the immediate moment she saw it. even then, i didnt start guessing wildly who it was until i came to see the nonsense. you people, who broke into my blog, had severely destroyed the trust i had in you.
dont even mention that i destroyed the trust you had in me at all. you broke the trust before i did! what rights have you to say that? even my family, even really close friends, even teachers, even strangers give me the privacy i deserve. you know what's the meaning of personal life? the Only One who knew everything about me is God. are you trying to be God? even people who i talk to frequently or occassionally but im not super close with didnt have access to this blog because it was really personal. yet people who i dont talk to often break in. who spoilt that trust first? why was the password just my name? why wasnt it something difficult to think of? i have a simple life, and i trust people not to break in here to find out about my personal stuffs. yet they chose to. TRUST is really a strong word, i hate to say that people had destroyed the trust i once had in them or people are not worthy of my trust. if people whom i have just met deserve my trust, why do people i have know for quite some time not deserve my trust?
no one lives in the ideal world. i was just naive and innocent! i was dumb and stupid. im not yet mature enough to understand the world. we study about the ideal world situation, hoping one day we attain that stage. i know now its impossible. we are all living in the harsh reality of the real world. in the ideal world, no one would have broke in here. in the real world however, there are irritating people who break in here and accuse me of being a backstabber because i chose to release my dislike of 1 person on this private blog where no one else knew i was referring to. was it wrong of me to release some negative feelings somewhere private? you mean i should do it publicly for the whole world to know? in the ideal world, only i knew i was releasing my feelings in such a manner. in the real world however, others got to discover my way to release unhappiness.
no matter how much you think i disliked you, i didnt hate you. there's a thin line of difference between those 2 words, or rather feelings. i still give you the trust you deserve. i only gave you minimal level of respect. now, its changed.
since the start of this year, i have been telling myself to hear no evil. telling myself not to take things to heart when people compared ms lim and ms liao. i still had respect for ms lim, she didnt do anything to not deserve that respect. but slowly, i showed lesser respect to her because of the way she treated me. you people call me hypocrite, backstabber and whatever... but the most insulting words still came from her. it was only because she loudly said NO I CANT when i requested for her to speak louder, gave me a rude stare and say I SAID ITS THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT when i couldnt hear her and she told me to go for a hearing check when she was the one with the throat problem that i showed lesser respect to her. i only find ms liao because im more comfortable with her and at least she doesnt treat me like some piece of shit. even though i couldnt understand, she thought of so much ways to try to make me understand. she spent hours and hours turning my C5 into A1 but i still failed to meet her expectations of me. yet, she didnt give up on me. neither did she give up on the class at all. we all knew she had to go other schools for O levels invigilations last year. when our end of year exams results were out, she didnt even scold us. she kept everything to herself. even though we were promoted to secondary 4, she still stayed for hours in the afternoon to conduct remedials for 3 different groups of people without enough rest. she didnt have to do all these. because of all these she had done for me and others, i really appreciated her. even after failing many times, she never gives up on anyone. she could even sacrifice her saturday to go outside to tutor students without any charge. although she was new and inexperienced, she does all that she can to help the students, some of whom dont even appreciate her kindness. and for people who thinks im saying good things for her just because she helps me so much that i got an A for chemistry, who said she was only for my use? she does help other students too. i only treat her the way i am treating her because she totally deserves it. someone who is so determined despite people disappointing her time and again. i really have to give it to her. i dont even have half her patience. on the first day of school this year, she was the one who really turned my day into an extremely wonderful one even though i had wanted to cry at first. she didnt have to know i was sad, but what she did for me was enough to make me happy. of course i was bothered when people compared the 2 of them, but i didnt take it to heart until i realise sometimes, people just cant stop. i slept through her lessons in term 1 but when i requested for the notes, she gave me, though not all and though she only gave me after secondary 3 mid year. if she didnt have this kind of patience, i would have been failing like others too.
i knew that during june holidays last year. a group of people said how sad i would be when someone mentioned she's not teaching anymore. but she just was not teaching 3/4 and was still taking our class. i dont know why people talked about these kinda things too. it sends me thinking, am i really overprotective of her status as a good teacher? no, i wasnt. ms lim may be experienced, but the way she teaches doesnt allow me to learn or understand the concepts. a teacher who can teach well but not be heard is as good as nothing. sitting in her lessons, sometimes, its just a waste of my time because i cant even make out her sentences.
i dont understand why people like to compare them. we dont need a so called good teacher, however you define one, to get A1. its not like good teachers have a hundred A1 to give to students while a lousy teacher only has one A1 to give to students. they are all equally qualified to teach. compare compare compare... that's what aunties always do, we shouldnt get influenced.
as students, we should just focus on studying!
what goes round comes round. you spoilt my trust for you first, so you intruded into the territory of my heart, and found out dont know what thing, and concluded i have destroyed the trust you had for me. i dont know who tagged that, but i do know who i was referring to in the past post. i didnt know that having negative feelings for someone else and releasing it on my PRIVATE blog to make myself feel the negative things are put away is considered backstabbing.
i have trust for people. dont force me to do the extremes.
on another note, thanks bcouz(? dont know what's this person doing at my blog but well... i know who it is -.-), xc, peifang, jun. throughout the times, we are still friends, still worthy of my trust, still worthy of my respect, still the closer friends who gave me the wonderful memories.
and guess what? early this morning, mdm quek came up to tell me i scored highest for physics common test! im so happy. haha, she asked if i have tuition now... another teacher expecting an A1 from me at O levels. so far, the 3rd teacher to say that to me personally. i had once unintentionally attempted to spoil the trust and respect mdm quek have for me, but she didnt care. if only everything was as simple as that...... if only everyone could live life the way she sees it... yay! i done justice to myself for physics again, i only wanna do to the best of myself, as long as i get an A for physics, it can make me go over the moon. HAHA! xP
i failed once again @ 6:42:00 pm
