Saturday, June 10, 2006
“雨过之后更难忘记”“你不用在意流泪也只想刚好合意
我早已经待在谷底
我知道不能再留住你
也知道不能没有孤寂
感激你让我拥有缺点的美丽
看着那白色的蜻蜓
在空中忘了前进
还能不能重新编织
脑海中起毛球的记忆”
“可能雨也不会停
黑色毛衣
藏在那里
就让回忆永远停在那里”
- from 黑色毛衣 by 周杰伦
“乌云在我们心里刻下一块阴影
我聆听沉寂已久的心情
清晰透明就像美丽的风景
总在回忆里才看的清”
“我用力牵起没温度的双手
过往温柔已经被时间上锁
只剩挥散不去的难过”
“北风掠过想你的容颜
我把爱烧成了落叶
却换不回熟悉的那张脸”
- from 枫 by 周杰伦
kinda super bored now.
it`s again me alone at home.
mum went to malaysia le.
or so i think.
dad`s at work anyway.
brother`s back in camp.
haix.. this house just have no life in it.
as a kid, i used to be scolded by mum whenever my brother pushes the blame to me.
and my mother doesn`t trust me like around 90% of the time.
every promise she made, ends up breaking my fragile heart.
it`s been long since i wanted to escape this kinda life.
this family is as well as dead.
haix.. i hate people who gamble.
any form of gambling.
but it`s acceptable to me if you play poker cards but not betting any stakes.
at first, there`s this tortoise sculpture on a piece of 4D thingy.
then i realise, there`s another one now.
don`t know why adults like gambling so much.
i don`t wanna be influenced by them.
that`s why i chose to hate people who gamble.
even now, my brother is probably betting.
i see him going to some singapore pools website every now and then.
feel like i can trust no one in this family.
no one i can talk to.
everytime i show my mother something, she scolds me for interrupting her television show. or if not, she`d be busy talking on the phone and come ask me what`s the thing after so long. everytime i wanna talk to her, she seems to be so 'busy'. sometimes when we`re out, i talk to her. about things that happen. like that day, i told her 'i got a lift from my teacher.' her reaction was just 'oh. lianglu ah?' it`s like stupid. i don`t feel like talking to her. more of making me sad by talking to her. then yesterday i told her 'we`re trapped in school just now.' and her reaction was '3 ge ben dan zai yi qi.' others have so much to talk, but we have nothing. the worst example was during secondary 2 streaming. can still remember how i felt, just so lost and helpless and tearing away. i haven`t heard of anyone crying when they were indicating their choices. people called their parents for advice. and i stood there, with a strong urge to call, but i dare not. i didn`t ever dreamt of entering this class anyway. and because of this, i chose to believe... the school is better than my family.
then my father. we don`t talk at all. we act like strangers. yesterday at bus stop, yes it was really him. i think he chose to walk the other way instead of right infront of me. he walked quite slow. 2nd time this year that i`ve seen him but we just ignored each other. and that time, we bumped into each other and no choice, walked home together. i was carrying a stack of books and he carrying nothing. he didn`t even offer to help at all. and what he did was like walk so damn fast i had problems catching up. haix...
i thought my brother was good to me. he used to cook and buy meals for me. but ever since he entered NS, he`s different. i`m always the one at fault and i always have to give in to him instead of him giving in to me. last time, i used to ask him so many questions about my schoolwork. now, i rather leave blanks than to ask anyone.
but i guess i should be happy already. most people who have this kinda problem, they don`t succeed in their studies. but at least i`m glad i can cope, or maybe i can`t. perhaps it might be the end for me this EOY. i may fail english.
this house.
people say it`s like a maze to get here.
but to me, it isn`t.
i won`t feel lost finding my way here.
but, i feel lost in this unit itself.
more than 50% of the time, i`m alone at home.
more than 50% of the time, we eat our own meals.
we don`t sit around and eat dinner together.
it`s been long since i`ve eaten a home-cooked meal.
maybe people would be wishing for home-cooked meal with whole family.
or even meal at a restaurant with family.
all i wish for is just a meal, prepared by my mother.
i don`t care if i have to eat it alone.
i remember that time.
latimer talked to us about how her life was, how she landed herself in jobs she hated, and how she finally got to do something she had always wanted.
she said everything was because of her family`s support.
it was because her family was there when she needed it.
i don`t know if this day would ever come.
but if it does, where`ll my family be?
i don`t want a repetition.
next year will be my O levels.
i don`t want my parents to be overseas.
i need support from them.
maybe i shouldn`t think that far yet, who knows if i would be able to get thru secondary 3.
actually, i don`t hate examination papers.
i only hate the feeling.
when people want you to do so well, but they don`t give you any moral support.
even when examinations are over, i feel no difference.
others may feel happy, but i feel normal.
i can`t express my happiness to my closed ones.
i don`t communicate with my father.
my brother`s always out.
and my mother enjoys going overseas during my examination period.
i can only keep the so-called happiness in myself till it dies down.
this is my family.
i feel i`m closer with friends than family.
at least they do understand me, or abit.
they do offer to help, and with sincerity.
unlike my father, who doesn`t care about me carrying a heavy bag and lugging a stack of books in my hands and he still continues walking at high speeds empty-handed
i guess the motorcycle made everything even worse.
both of them always go out together, and i`m always alone.
even when i sprained my hand, they didn`t bother.
they told me to take 187 and meet them there myself.
i had to travel on a public transport while they take private transport.
and after my right hand was wrapped, they can still eat happily.
while i struggle to handle the chopsticks, and they hurried me to finish my meals.
and it was already quite late. they da-baoed dinner for my brother.
they told me to bring it home to my brother.
my mother told my father to fetch me home on the motorcycle.
and all he said was 'so troublesome. take bus lah.'
he can`t even help his own daughter at all.
it seems like i`m more of a burden, i`m just more problems.
and they argued. my father was so angry he even said 'i very tired lah. so troublesome. call her ownself go home lah. cannot take bus ah? then i give her money, call her ownself take taxi home lor.'
in the end, my mother gave in to him and told me to take bus home myself.
i don`t know why. am i just a burden? am i even their real daughter at all?
it`s like even a teacher is so friendly enough to give a lift when it was drizzling.
and there were actually other alternatives. like we could have borrowed an umbrella.
but she didn`t bother. she just asked and offered to help.
and we`re just teacher-and-student, plus there were other ways we could have went out.
yet my father couldn`t even offer to help his own daughter.
tradition of the 21st century bay family, i suppose.
PS. if huiting ever reads this post, i think this can make you believe yesterday that guy was my father? i wasn`t joking.
i failed once again @ 12:09:00 pm
